Sunday, January 7, 2007

A Conversation with Mahmoud

From the Sunday Times of London, 7 January, 2007:
Revealed: Israel plans
nuclear strike on Iran

ISRAEL has drawn up secret plans to destroy Iran’s uranium enrichment facilities with tactical nuclear weapons.
Two Israeli air force squadrons are training to blow up an Iranian facility using low-yield nuclear "bunker-busters",
according to several Israeli military sources.

Bravo, I say!!

And dear Israel, know that the entire world of peace loving peoples stand with you in this! I'd like to hope that the United States will have a hand in assisting you. When your mighty IAF settles matters in the deserts of Iran, once and for all, even the localmalcontent will come outside and dance in the streets! But here's just one suggestion, Israel, and Mr. Olmert: Do Not stop the bombing until the little monkey leader pleads for surrender, and a full recognition of your Right to exist, and exist in peace.
I do not think that this Entebbe-like raid should be a matter of "IF", but "WHEN".

And now, the online Jersalem Post headlines the predictable response from Tehran:
Israel will regret any attack
In response to a report on Sunday that Israel planned to attack Teheran's nuclear sites, Iran declared that any attack would provoke a reaction and that "anyone who attacks will regret their actions very quickly."
This threatening and fearful response is given by the Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman, Muhammad Ali Husseini, otherwise identified only as "Iran".
Well, the Localmalcontent is dubious of these remarks uttered by Iran, so he dialed up the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad, on the telephone earlier today. (He's very accessable this way) The entire transcript of that phone interview is reprinted here:

"President Ahmadinijad, hello, this is the Localmalcontent calling from the black heart of the Great Satan. Can you talk for a few minutes?"

"Sure, anything for you. How are things in Oklahoma?"

"Fine, Mahmoud, just fine. The weather's great for January. Our football team lost its bowl game the other night, but it was a great game, we lost to a class act team from Boise State University."

"Yes, your American football frenzy. It is against the will of Allah (P be upon him) for college aged men to touch in this fashion. I thought I told you that."

"Yeah, yeah, allah's will and all that. You probably are thinking about Yasser Arafat... he liked touching guys that way. So, what are you doing now, it seems like I hear your TV on in the background."

"Oh, that. I uh, I er, am studying your NFL. The obscene Patriots of New England are giving the Jets of New York the what-for, if you know what I mean." (I didn't know what he meant--for the life of me, I could've sworn that it sounded like the themesong to "Baywatch", on Mahmoud's set.)

"Well that's great, Mahmoud. Uh, can I ask you a couple of questions about the report in the Sunday Times of London, about Israel's plans for tactical nuclear strikes against your nuclear sites there? Like, 'Given that Israel took out Saddam's nuclear site in Iraq, back in 1983, and that they have a proven and skilled air force, does this worry you that Israel has such a plan?' "

Shouting, he replied "NO! The Zionist regime is no threat to us at all. What's more, the Iranian peoples will stand up and deter the aggression which is threatened by the Zionists. By the thousands, I will bus my followers to the sites of our peaceful nuclear power sites, to encircle them with the innocent and pious, the blessed followers of Allah, who, in prayful stance, shall turn away the aggressors and their planes!" ( I thought to myself, Yeah, they'll be praying alright...)
"In addition" he went on, "Martyrdom is sacred, and demanded of the rightous by Allah."

"So, what you're saying, is, that you expect these innocent men and women to become martyrs, as they line up to protect Iran's nuclear enrichment sites??"

"Yes, and do not forget the children. We have a plan in place to put the children there, too. Never too early to learn the great lessons of Islam, you know. Iran is a nation of 70 million brave souls, and the loss of a handful of them will inspire the rest to rise up and gather to them other Muslims, to see what the Infidels and the Zionists and America, the Great Satan, and England, the lap dog of Satan, wish for the wonderful, peaceful Islamic nation of Iran. And then, friend Localmalcontent, our gallent fighters, our own brave Air Force will take to the skies, seeking to avenge the errors of the stupid, evil Zionists. And this will all happen in one day, in ONE DAY, before the Sun sets in the muddy swamp in the west, Allah (P be upon him) willing."

"Mahmoud, since you brought up the subject yourself, may I ask you also a question about Islam, and about the will of Allah?"

"Sure, no problemo, you sorry infidel. Ask away. But you forgot to say ' PBUH. Be careful."

"Sorry. Ppbbbbbddtt. Just for the sake of argument, let's say that Israel DOES bomb your nuclear enrichment sites, wiping them off the earth, and in so doing, turning part of Iran into glass.... and whatever number of 'martyrs' you line up there. You wouldn't see this as being the will of allah, also? I mean, the will of your god, allah, it's only what you declare it is, for the most part isn't it, now, really? Like the 9.0 earthquake, and tsumani back in 2004, which killed some 240,000 people, or the devastating earthquake in Pakistan in 2005, which killed some 50,000 Muslims. Was this not also the will of allah, and IF SO, shouldn't you leaders be learning something from what you think allah's will is toward your Muslim brethern?"

"Localmalcontent, I tolerate your insolence and Islamic disrespect only because I know that blessed Muslim killers are lurking near your home, ready to cut your throat for your words. And knowing that, I will answer your questions." (Oohhhh, now I'm scared! Glad I oiled and cleaned my 30.06 yesterday) Ahmadinijad continued: "Whenever infidels are killed, whenever pious Muslims are martyred, it is the Will of Allah, because Allah will not be mocked, will not be dominated. Whenever infidels succeed, or whenever Muslim nations, even Shri'a Laws are made out to be backward, straight from the 9th century, then that is the demonic works of Satan, it is just that simple. If it is good for Muslims, then it's the Will at work. If it is bad or embarrassing for Muslims, then it is Satan's handiwork. Cannot you, an 'enlightened citizen' of the West, see that? Earthquakes are the work of Satanic America. So is 'Space Exploration'. The same goes for the so-called 'Freedoms of Speech, of the Press, and of Expression and Thought. Vile and dangerous stuff, these freedoms, outside the proscribed and outlined methods of thought detailed by our wonderous Prophet Mohammed, centuries ago; and as valid today, just like they were 1300 years ago."

Chilled by his outburst, and also by his defiant defense of the delusional schizophrenic, Mohammad, I decided to end our conversation. But I tried to keep the door open for more chances to speak with the Iranian president. " Mr. President, Mr. Ahmadinijad, sir, thanks for speaking with me just now. I'll be letting you go now, back to your uh, study. Thank you, and please, stay in touch, will you?"

" OK, there Localmalcontent, you take care now, and just keep your eyes open around your decadent shopping malls, hint, hint, hint. Hehehehe...."

And as he hung up the phone, I heard him squeal distantly, something about a great Bud Light commercial, and TiVo-ing it...

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