Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Called my buddy Mahmoud again yesterday....

Would you believe that I often look at the official Iranian News Agency website, IRNA? I love to read their news, otherwise known as government-sanctioned propaganda. This weekend, in fact, the quick rise in prices of tomatoes in Iran was cited there as "A U.S. plot".
There's alot of funny stuff on this IRNA stie currently; Like their recent "space shot" which cannot be verified by anyone; that the U.S. is the biggest exporter of "Terrorist Electric Stun-Guns" in the world; and that Great Britain allows slavery STILL! Well, this claptrap is just too much NOT to respond to. So yesterday afternoon, I decided to once again, dial up my pal in Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran. The following is a verbatim account of our phone conversation.

Me: "Hello, Is this Mahmoud?"
Ahmadinejad: "Yes, this is President Ahmadinejad, is this the BBC? Boy, do I have some complaints with your otherwise friendly coverage lately."

Me: "No, It's me again, Mahmoud, the Localmalcontent, calling you from the Black heart of the Evil Satan. How are you?"

"My most evil friend, hello! I'm very well, Localmalcontent. Oh yes, there in Oklahoma. I'll bet that you never knew that "Oklahoma" is actually an old Persian word, did you??! It meant "Stinking ditch", until the Persian term "Israel" was created."

"Uh, yeah, Mahmoud, you already told me that one. Look, I wanted to just call and ask you how your Iranian economy is doing, in light of the U.N.'s sanctions on your country, because of your nuclear policies. I am hearing that Iran is experiencing widespread price inflation, to the tune of 200% and higher. Is that true?"

"No, no, no, localmalcontent, you have evidently heard wrong. Why, it is Allah's will that the low prices for our foods must and should rise, in order not to inconvenience the sellers in the marketplace, who must pay dearly for those valuable places. You do not understand the will of Allah at all, localmalcontent. For if you were in the lap of Allah, you would know his will directly!"

Mortified by that unpleasant mental image, and shuddering, I ventured ahead: "But Mahmoud, is what you are saying, i.e. that it is the will of allah, that all your food prices should rise so? Is your allah angry with your citizens? Why would allah will them all to have to pay more, for what is generally considered to be your government's stubbornness in ceasing its dangerous nuclear ambitions."

"We shall not speak of Nuclear activities today, alright? Rather, let me tell you of the intricate nature of Allah's will. We Iranians are the sole interpreters of the will of Allah today. My good friend, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, may Allah fill his stomach soon, is in constant touch with Allah. And Ayatollah Khameini tells me as recently as just this morning, right after the sun rose from the muddy swamp in the east, that Allah now favors the marketers, the sellers, over the buyers, the consumers. It is like a see-saw, one day Allah favors one group, the next day, he favors the is not my concern obviously, and it is out of my control, as you can see."
"Yes, I see, Mahmoud, that you are not really in control over there, it seems: Honestly, it looks like you are only a puppet to this 'Ayatollah' pal of yours. Can you really trust him? How sure are you that he is the infallable mouthpiece for your allah?"

"Ssshhhhh, be quiet, localmalcontent!! You do not ever know who is listening in! I love the Ayatollah Khameini, he's just so great, ha ha ha ha he he he! He is simply divine, and certainly, he is in intimate and in loving touch with Allah, right now, with a truly manly passion, as you and I speak!! And Allah whispers in his ear, that to defeat the evil Zionists, and your Satan-led-America, that the Iranian people must endure this painful price gouging. For above all, we will rule the world someday, and then, THEN, we will dictate your prices for tomatoes, for olives, and the delicacy of goat meat!"

"Ok, there, Mr. Ahmadinejad, calm down, calm down. As long as the Iranian public aren't suffering much with all the price hikes. They are the ones I worry about, really."

"Our Iranian public, as you name them, they are willing to endure all. This is nothing, despite what some university students, OUR 'localmalcontents' here, are saying and uh, doing, protesting and the like. Look, I must cut off this very pleasant call early, if you please. For it is time again for me to bow down, showing my face down to Allah, and raise my tail-end up to your God.
Goodbye, localmalcontent, goodbye."

"Goodbye, Mahmoud-- call me the next time you are in my hemisphere, will you? Till then---"

Read it all for yourselves, HERE:


Abouna said...

Very, very funny. I almost wet my pants laughing so hard. I am glad to see that the old you is coming back.

a.k.a. Blandly Urbane said...

I get a kick out of IRNA, though I have trouble with some of their translation it adds more authenticity to it.

I haven't for the past couple of weeks, but usually try to do a Friday Sermon From Iran post on, oddly enough Friday (our Friday). It's all fire, brimstone and instigation with little spirituality.

I'm impressed that you are able to contact "Momo" so easily, although I'm bit concerned with your translation as it doesn't match up with the man that Mike Wallace interviewed. I have my doubts that Wallace really spoke with him; video or not.

GRANNY said...

Maybe Bill O'Reilly will have the both of you on his show for an interview. That would be great. IF they can ever stop talking about Anna Nicole Smiths dead body.

Abouna said...

I wish to put the whole Anna Nichole Smith "Whose the Daddy" thing put to rest.

I AM the Baby's Daddy! I do I know? Because I lusted after her in my mind.

There, they say confession is good for the soul.

a.k.a. Blandly Urbane said...


they say it's good for the soul, but it's all a ploy to get you to fess up :-/