Saturday, March 3, 2007

One Fine Day, When Everything Was Fine 'Blog'

Lord Jesus, I am tired. I Am Tired of this life which You have ordained for me to live lately.
Can it be such an irrevocable sin, to end one's own life, earlier than You want?
You are aware of how sad I am now.
What else can I do, what can be done, to change these events which I must otherwise endure?
I am not strong enoug to endure this, Lord. Please forgive me what I am thinking just now.
My physical pain is just too much to bear, and my embarrassment at work yesterday, a toll too great to bear for me.

What can I do, or what can I say right now, to cause You to alleviate my pain? My sorrow? For whatever it is, I will do. This is far too great for this body to endure, Lord; I am sorry, but I am weak.
And thinking, expecting, really, that I must endure this facial pain, and my facial disfigurement, with all it's impediments, my nasal difficulties, my lack of good sleep lately as a result thereof, and my bloddy, snotty nose, even after a full month, what am I to expected to endure? I cannot open my jaws wide enough to eat more than a small morsal of food, and my teeth are numb on my left side... what am I expected to endure? For whatever it is, I will, for the most part... But Jesus, considering the other limiting facets of my life, how much more is there? Really, How much more is there?
I understood that I was not to know "LOVE" whatsoever, and I accepted, I respected that.
I understood that I was not to know "HAPPINESS"as others knew that expression, and I accepted, I resected that, too, Lord.
I saw all Your subtle, yet intense hints regarding my pathetic life here on Your Earth, and accepted that challenge. But I often believed, to my earthly self, that someday, someday, I'd get the benefit of Your doubt, and win once in a while.. Ya know, the Lottery Numbers early, or something special.
Just kidding, Lord. And now, as I both type this blog entry and continue to wipe blood from my nose, still, I feel like maybe You are using me, taking overt advantage of me.
WHAT CAN I BE FOR YOU, JESUS? Like I am now?? Your Freak, Your Freak in Oklahoma? Your Freak whose nose won't stop bleeding in Oklahoma? at the grocery store, or to my neighbor, Dave, or to my employer? Well, thank You for that blessing. My eternal jinxed blessing, Lord.
I can't eat solid foods yet, Jesus; and I'm so tired of soup and mushrooms, Lord, what should I do?
I am so angry at my assailant, Mr. Watson, that I can't see straight! Or is that a result of my swelling?
Lord Jesus, I am your servant, always. But I'm telling You, that I can't endure this, Your unending pain much more. Thanks

1 comment:

Abouna said...

My dearest Friend,
I know what you are going through and I feel that the Lord has ordained us to meet through our Blogs.

Please stay strong and whenever you are in need of a shoulder to lean on or just a word of encouragement, I am here for you.

I know that things are tough right now, but they will get better. As my mother always says, "This too shall pass".

God Bless you.