Sunday, April 1, 2007

U.S. pledges increased funding for scientific advancement of useless crap

Washington, D.C. – According to an article published in the February issue of Consumers Reports magazine, increases in both government funding and private donations will account for the United States pledging a record $34 billion toward the scientific advancement of useless crap in 2007.

"Laser pointers, one-use tooth floss picks, barking flashlights, eye massagers — every ridiculous plastic trinket you’ve ever impulsively purchased in the checkout lane at your local Wal-Mart, chances are that product was invented and developed right here in the good ol’ United States," said Mark Taylor, the Boston-based freelance writer who authored the article.

Taylor said that despite holding a commanding lead amongst the nations of the world in the scientific development of useless crap, the United States’ promise to pump $34 billion into the industry this year signals the nation’s strong desire to promote further advances in useless crap technology.

"Sure, the United States has played a large part in making sure that worthless gadgets such as the blender phone or the rat race clock or those crazy, mutated bottle opener-slash-keychains line the shelves of every department store, mega-retailer and pharmacy you walk into, but there are many areas in the development of useless crap yet to be explored. Take this thing, for example," said Taylor, holding up a small, plastic product of unknown functionality. "The package reads, ‘LED Finger Flare,’ but I ask you, seriously: what in the hell is this thing? What on Earth is it for? What conceivable purpose could a consumer possibly have for this thing? Fortunately, through careful use of this generous U.S. funding, questions such as these may soon be answered."

Taylor’s article explains that the United States has led the way in the development of useless crap for decades. "Without the United States’ diligent efforts in promoting the scientific advancement of useless crap, the world would be in the Stone Age when it comes to pointless gadgets such as glowsticks," said Taylor. "Let me put it this way: you can’t just attach something shiny to a keychain and call it ‘progress’ in this business."

Added Taylor: "Well, occasionally you can. Like, if you can’t come up with anything else that week, I suppose. Actually, that’s not a half-bad idea. Excuse me while I jot that down real quick."

Taylor was hesitant to speculate where the world would be in the realm of useless crap without the United States’ contributions.

"Imagine a world in which your mega-retailers have no overflowing bins of useless, plastic crap on sale for $2.99 each at the end of each aisle," said Taylor. "I’m not sure how we’d all get by not having all of these useless trinkets cluttering our homes, but thanks to the U.S.’ financial commitment, none of us will have to find out anytime soon."

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