Sunday, May 6, 2007

I am asleep.
And that is good, that is the condition I prefer; asleep and comfortable in the indention of my body's folds in my mattress. I am asleep and uncaring, unafraid and unseen, unbothered.
I am dreaming a good dream for a change. Images fly and float about, my mind is sewing together scenes which I accept as common, as cogent, as natural. It's a good dream this time, thanks in part to my dismissal of bad, unpleasant thoughts com-pletely from my consciousness, during the unfortunate times I have to be awake, and functional.

In these cherished dreams, we are together, we are doing something that is natural in the given circumstance; I have never loved another, such as I love you, and we/I are/am whole.

But I can't see your face-- I can only feel you, your acceptance of me, Is that your love I'm feeling? Because I do love you, for being near, with, a part, of me.
I wish that we could go on like this, whatever this is; This is right, this feels good to me, it is a dream to be with you here, I say to her, unaware, and not caring this is unreal.
I love to be here with you, doing something with you, being close to you. Did we just touch? Can we do exactly that again, because it felt so good to touch you, even briefly, even unconsciously. May I cherish that moment? Would you mind? May I fantasize later, again, this moment?
You are a welcome intrusion to my sleeping delusion, my love. Of the other dreams I have, more often they are of brick buildings heated by a blindingly hot sun, with highlines overhead melting and dripping plastic onto the sidewalks, onto me, burning me. I am lost in this world. and alone. and.
Can't you.... PLEASE, won't you stay with me? I cannot see your face, but I love you, and love being with you... DONT let this end... can you stop this from ending? can I stay here with you?will I see you again soon?oh please say you'll be here for me.

I awaken to my solitude,
feeling a loss,
feeling less than I was moments earlier,
miles earlier, worlds away,

remembering me as someone else,
someone who's loved.
your comfort isstillwithme, mythoughtson you,
of you, of us happy, but the illusion of love, loving,
of being loved

is absent

like a wish unfullfilled, You,
like a hope never to be realized, You,
like a dream back to the hellfire of our separation,
back to me, alone.

I am awake with tears, thinking
of your presence then, where
and of your absence now, here.

Alone, solo, apart, single, one, singular, separate, only, just me forever
Again, still, while.

Damned thinking.

After the first, initial shock of my wakeful realization of my lonely solitude, I rise from bed, thinking of you, remembering only hints of, hopes for your touch, while longing for you, waiting for you, looking for you by day, hoping to see you again tonight in dreams I covet more than breathing.