Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lonely* London Lass* Longing* For Love


OR, "Why I* thought dating 14 men in 14 days would end my seven years of celibacy"

Honest to G*D, this was the BBC headline tonight as I* got home from work!

NO ONE could make this stuff up, outta whole cloth fiction: Therefore, gentlemen* (mostly) and ladies*, I* present from from The London Daily Mail:

"SONIA'S STORY" [BEGIN PLAYING THE "LOVE STORY" THEMESONG, HERE]

This blockbuster, stop-the-presses story goes like this:

["7 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days- that's how long I've been celibate. Could dating 14 men in 14 days change all that?"] Depends on who, & the ages, and the health of these 14 men....

[What She says:] "Every year, around the time of my birthday, I take a sharp look at my life and set about making improvements. I love this annual psychological clean-up and call it My Birthday Treat.

[What She meant, in GirlSpeak:] "Every year, 'round my birthday, I think of taking a sharp knife to my husband. I love this animal, instinctual clean-up, and I call it My Birthday Treat, stapling 'Mr. Limpitt' up on the wall."

[When She says:] "This year, having separated from Stephen, my daughter's father, in May 2000, I* am determined to do something* about my single status. At 43, I* have not had a physical relationship for seven years. Celibacy just happened."

[What She meant, in GirlSpeak:] "I'm as *mad* as hell, and *I'm not going to take it any more!!"
[...]
[...] Yawning now.

[...]

After 14 different dates with 14 different *men, in 14 consecutive days, with some she* knew and some she* didn't, she* packed up and left each one of these guys*, after only one date! (Limp-wristed, John Inman-type English blokes all, no doubt)

.... Long* story short, I thought I'd get to read something steamy* and juicy* from the *BBC. Nope.
This *gal went 0-for-14, ((after 7-1/4 years without)) and THEN decides that celibacy was the thing for her, afterall.

Would you** recommend that she* come visit some Georgia boys*, or New York guys*, or some Alaskan** men?
["Oh, swwweet mystery of life,... at last, I've* found youu*--",
as sung two-octaves too high, by *Madeline Khan*, in "Young Frankenstein**"]

Or have herself admitted into the *British version of the Booby* hatch, or the Looney* bin, or the Funny* farm?"

Instead of the BBC, why not submit her story to the Catholic* Digest* Weekly*?
[yawning again now]


* insert word "Horny"

3 comments:

CalinGa said...

This is the funniest post on a blog I've ever read. **me.

Glad you have the humor to take the humdrum and make it hilarious.
From the middle of Georgia, USA, props to you.

BagInVester said...

Great analysis, 'local..;

Wish I had thought about it when we were married only 14 years

No time like the present I'd guess that U might say!

Malinda said...

Haha, great post. Thanks for the quitting smoking tip by the way. I appreciate the encouragement.