Friday, September 21, 2007

Phone Call from my pal, Mahmoud

So my phone rings about 4 am night before last, early Saturday morning. Something in the ringing tells me it is an urgent call. Imagine my getting up, clumsily, and running to the kitchen and answering the phone....

هالو كلمه اي كه در گفتگوي تلفني براي صدا كردن طرف بكار ميرود,،سلا م كردن

"Whut? Who is this? Who are you calling?" I croaked.

The caller changed his vocal tone, and his language as well, then said, "You sound like the Localmalcontent. Is this you?"

"Yeah, this is the Localmalcontent. Who is this?" I asked, becoming less asleep, and more annoyed.

"This is your friend, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling you from Tehran, Localmalcontent. Tell me, how are you, and how are things there in the black heart of Satan, Oklahoma?"
"Things here are fine, Mahmoud, but it's the middle of the night here! What did you want?" I replied, lighting up my first cigarette of the (new) day.

"Localmalcontent, I did not mean to disturb you. My secretary must've called the wrong number. But I did intend to call you later, when I arrive in your New York City, tomorrow." he said, as I heard him shuffling papers, then adding, "But, uh, er, I have been told, that one of your gods, the Cardinal team, is not doing well, Localmalcontent, and, that you are on a forced starvation diet. No doubt a result of your worship, your adherence to the evil and detrimental indulgences into the doctrines of the U.S. Do you now regret not being Muslim, and worshipping only Allah, the one True God?"

Angry now, I said "Mahmoud, I told you once, back in
February, that I do not worship any other gods but G-D Almighty, the Judeo Christian Jehovah. Did you call me at this time of night to bug me about the Cardinals, or to nag me about my weight?"

"Oh, no, no Localmalcontent. It was obviously the will of Allah (PBUH) that your lesser gods of baseball should not be victorious, and that you, an infidel, should become an elephant. Yet, I do need to speak with you on a serious matter for me, however, my American friend: Can you do something to help me, to facilitate my visit to your 'Ground Zero', in New York? Can you not call your GeorgeBush, and recommend to him that I be allowed to pay my homage there? My office has tried everything, in the effort to attain access to that sacred area of Manhattan. But my honorable intentions have been thwarted each time, by Satanists of your government. Is there anything that you can do, for a friend, for me?" Mahmoud asked.

"Whut?!! You want me to call President Bush, to ask him if you can visit the World Trade Center site? I can't call the President just suddenly, like you ask, and get him on the line!" I protested.

"I simply want to place a ceremonial wreath there, in honor of those who died there, that day. I am a man of Allah, and wish to do his will, while I am visiting your American city. Was it not you, friend, who voted for Bush twice? He should know you, of you, then. If anyone voted for me twice, here in Iran, why I would most surely know of it. Can you contact him please? It would mean so much for me to see the 'holy site of Ground Zero', as you call it. I am now assured that calling you was no mistake, but rather a directive from Allah through me!" he insisted.

"Mahmoud, EVEN if I wanted to, I could not call up the White House, and expect to speak with the President. Lots of us voted for him, twice. But aside from that, Mahmoud, you have no business trying to visit that site! It is considered 'sacred' by Americans, and your visit would be a big slap in the faces of all Americans, everywhere. I can't, Mahmoud... I won't do that." I told him.

"My friend, Localmalcontent, if it is the will of Allah, no one can withstand that. If it is his desire that I stand on that sacred site, then I will." President Ahmadinejad stated.

"And if you do not, if you are prevented from being there and standing on that sacred site, is that also then considered the will of allah?" I asked. (He and I have had this long running discussion about "allah's will", and who gets to decide what qualifies as his will, what doesn't, for
months now...)

"In that case, then, the great Satan will have thwarted Allah's will; For if I am somehow prevented from executing Allah's will here on Earth, then your government, the Great Satan, ruler of the evil regions, will have interjected, obstructively."

"Whut? Once again, Mahmoud, you make it sound like your moongod's will is quite easily overruled by the actions of someone else.... someone human, someone here on the ground, made of flesh and blood. Just what does that imply, what does that tell you about the 'will' of your allah?" I asked, sneezing.

"Localmalcontent, I'm sorry, but our telephone line is bad, your last statement was garbled, inaudible. Besides, it sounds as if the Devil in your nose is harassing you now. But won't you assist me, assist Allah, by contacting your President GeorgeBush, the regulatory agencies, to make it possible for me to visit Ground Zero?"

"Mahmoud," I began, "you are really, the most backward, the most dangerous leader in the world today. I cannot do what you ask. Personally, I view you to be the biggest threat to worldwide peace. And you know yourself, that you'd never allow an American leader to visit, or to speak anywhere in Iran, huh? So, why should I help you out? Sorry, Mahmoud, but that is just out of the question." I said.

"OK, then Localmalcontent, I will try someone else... maybe a New York Senator who is sympathetic to me, to us, and to Allah. Goodbye, then, Localmalcontent. We will speak together again soon!" Mahmoud said.

"Goodbye, Mr. Ahmadinejad, take care." I concluded.

And just before I hung up the phone, I heard Mahmoud tell his secretary to call Columbia University, that someone there would allow him access, according to his god allah's will.

I wasn't able to put this incident behind me, even with the help of a heated glass of non-fat milk.

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