Thursday, December 6, 2007

My buddy Mahmoud's recent phonecall

The phone was ringing off the wall, last night at 10:30 on the dot. It rang with that recognized sense of urgency, so I got out of bed to answer it. "Hello?"

"Is this the Local Malcontent, my friend who continues to live in the deep, black heart of the Great Satan, there in Oklahoma?"

"Yes, this must be Mahmoud. What's up, man?"

"I am calling to thank you for your interesting comments, which you left on my
personal blog recently, and to ask you if you have heard that your country has finally admitted that we, the mighty Islamic Republic of Iran, ceased our weapons program, back in 2003? Which I must add here, was before I became the President of Iran here."

"You are referring to the National Intelligence Estimate report, Mahmoud?"

"Yasss", he replied with a distinct, exhilarated hiss.

"I heard about it, then I read it, and then I looked it up to read and to get analysis of it on the Internet, Mahmoud; I personally think that it was prepared by a handful of people who have dovish, political agendas, by people who would love to see America brought to her knees by the report."

"Malcontent, friend, you are indeed incorrect, as usual- for the Islamic Republic of Iran has no need of nuclear weapons at all- we are a loving, free people, interested in bringing our wondrous and unique Sharia beliefs to the world, for its benefit. Our influence is growing here in what you call the 'Middle East'. Iran is now the leading, the most influential country in this area. Why, Syria, and by extension Lebanon, the Philippines, the Sudan, Yemen, Somalia, Egypt, and soon Iraq and Saudi Arabia all consult Iran, and the holy Imam, his Eminence, Ayatollah Khameini for advice. And very soon, we predict, also Pakistan and Afghanistan will come around to see our Islamic wisdom. How much further behind will Australia be?"

"No need for nuclear weapons, you say, Mr. President? But what about all the threats to Israel, the statements you make in speeches? That is what gives the whole world reason to worry about Iran's ambitions toward nuclear weaponry. What about the sense of the world that your country has an ambition to control the whole area's export of petroleum? Aren't you indeed a threat to Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the U.A.E., to Iraq? To any Muslim nation which doesn't abide by your strict interpretation of Islam?"

"Local Malcontent, you do not understand-- Allah has given to us this sword, this abundance of petroleum here, to wield. Allah, may his goatwives live long, blesses us with the one product which the rest of the world must have. And in order to have it, the blessed nation of Iran is in a position now, to dictate our terms in order for you unbelievers to purchase it. Allah's Will will be done. Allah likes swords, and Allah likes weapons of mass destruction, Malcontent; we have no choice but to make his will be done here on his earth. We do what our master wills."

"Oh, Jesus..."

"You mean Issa, the Muslim prophet from Galilee."

"NO, Mahmoud, I was thinking of how your country, Iran, is arresting people who do nothing more than express their personal opinions. Arresting and executing boys, for having sexual curiosity, and for threatening Israel with destruction. Yours is not a civilization there, Mahmoud; it is more like a country struggling violently, resisting to enter the 21st century. Hell, even the 18th century! By and large, Islam is and will always be stuck in the 8th century... Can you deny that?"

"Well, the 8th century was pretty good for us..." In the background I could hear several dogs barking.

"And that's the last time it was. Are those some dogs I hear in the background? I thought dogs were vulgar, unclean animals, under Islam. Look, Mahmoud: I appreciate being your pal, someone you speak with --"

"I wanted to see you, and speak with you, when I was in your country, speaking at the UN, and at Columbia University, but my counsel was needed and necessary to Venezuela at that time, my other friend Hugo Chavez."

"As I tried to say, before you interrupted me, was: I appreciate being your pal, but I can't help but again, point out the sheer nonsense that Islam, that the Koran is. It is your religion, your beliefs, your holy book that is keeping your country as backward as it is!! In every religion except Islam, there is a notion of the Golden Rule. No other religion endorses killing a sect of people, a differing belief system, only Islam. No other religion demands that it become a political agenda, totally governing every aspect of peoples' lives, except Islam."

"Yasss, isn't Islam just the best? If you don't believe in it, we are entitled to kill you, how dominant Islam is! And besides, you, why you eat pork, and [ugghh] shellfish, you Infidel!"

"Goodnight, Mahmoud. Thanks for calling me, and take care. Watch out for our imminent invasion, OK?"


"What? What'd he say?!?!"


One Southern Belle said...

I laughed so hard, I nearly wet my pants! You should do a weekly of this and send it in to a newspaper. I've told you that for a long time now--when are you gonna believe me?

The Localmalcontent said...


One Southern Belle said...

Suit yourself--but until you expose yourself to a broader audience, you're not living up to your humorous/provocative/profound potential. You could be the Will Rogers of our time.