Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Halfway-Expected Phone Call from Tehran

My phone rang at exactly 4:00pm, On The Dot.

It had that certain ring of dread, of dead-weightiness to it.


"Hullo?" I answered.

"Is this my friend, the Local Malcontent, there in the Blackest heart of Satan, Oklahoma?"

"Well, shit the bed" I thought. "Hello, Mahmoud. I kinda expected you to call me this week. How are you doin'?"

"Malcontent, I am fine, but I am concerned with your health tonight. I am seeing that you have aligned yourself and your cute blog with a dangerous band of blasphemous bloggers. They are all malcontents against our beloved Iran, and you have decided to join this bunch... Why??"

"Mahmoud, do you Know What My Blog's name is!!? It is called 'The Local Malcontent'.... Why wouldn't I align myself with other malcontents, worldwide, all in an effort to denounce you and your evil government in Tehran?!
Mahmoud, old buddy, your government is proving- NO- demonstrating, on a day by day basis, that it operates in fear, and uses fear, both inside and outside of Iran, to stay viable."

Then, with a change in his voice's tenor, adapting a lower, hissing-like tone, Mahmoud said "Malcontent, I have played along with you for too long already, acting like your friend here in Tehran and all. You have never responded in kind to me: a highly adored, elected president of a sovereign nation, as you should've.
No! Instead you continue to expose my Iran, birthplace and home of all Persians since antiquity, as a place to be ignored and devalued in the world today! And since antiquity, we Persians have sought for some way to be prominent in the world-- Now that we are so close to seeing a new-clear (??) dawn on this Earth, with Persia, Iran in the lead, YOU among others, denounce us as terrorists! You are an American dog!!"

(When Mahmoud said that to me, I knew that I had him caught in a logical bind)

"Mahmoud, all I did was call attention to your government's imprisonment of Iranian university students there--
I only sided with some other 7,000 plus bloggers world-wide to call attention to their suffering, all because they spoke their minds, while believing in their freedom of speech--"

"Freedom Of Speech !&^%^&*!! You American Anal-droplet~!
There is no, there has never been a 'Freedom of Speech' that was EVER spoken of by Allah, PBUHPDSH. Allah does not give or offer "Freedoms" to his slave-creations, us humans.
All Allah has ever promised us, his true believers, is a room full of sluts in Paradise, plus some pretty young boys, heh-heh-heh,
as eternal compensation for our slitting your throats in His name here on Earth!
Do You understand, Malcontent?"

"Calm down, Mahmoud... I didn't mean to --"

He interrupted me, saying "I do not know why you, my friend, the Local Malcontent cannot understand that our god Allah, has given us, the Arabs, and us Persians also, dominance over you non-believers! Our holy book tells us so!!
And it cannot be wrong!!"

"Riiiight, Mahmoud. Just like where your 'holy book' instructs ya'll Muslims that the Devil lives in your nose, or in your ears?"

"That's right, Malcontent; Why, just last night before prayers, I blew my nose, and my snotty handkerchief looked just like you, the big Satan in the Black heart of America," he announced.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Mahmoud," I replied.

"Malcontent, I have a special gift for you, and for the wonderful people who read your blog... could you give me your local mailing address, so that I could make sure that it reaches you, and them?? Pretty pulease?"

"Sorry, my friend Mahmoud, I can't. I only give out my address to one butwhole like you once a year, and I already did that. It's all that Jihadi-danger-thingy. Sorry, but NoCanDo," I told him, then adding "Would you like to give me your home address, instead?"

"Sure!: 'In care of the holy ayatollah, heh-heh-hehssss, his worshipssss, Mein Khameini, Tehran, Iran. That'll reach me," he responded.

"Then watch for a package from the United States to arrive for you, sometime this summer, Mahmoud. It may come by way of Tel Aviv, Israel, but please know, it comes from me.... OK?" I promised him.

"Why thank you, Malcontent. I will watch for your gift this summer. I must go now, almost time to pray again, you understand-- do take care, and remember to vote for my friend, Hillary Clinton, won't you?" Mahmoud Ahmedinejad asked me.

"You bet, pal. So long, goodbye!"

"Goodbye, Malcontent."

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