Friday, November 21, 2008

Catching Up with the Ketchup

I drench mine.

According to an extensive study performed by the Massachusetts Institute of Tacknology, consumers of fast-food restaurants who choose to add ketchup to the side of their orders of onion rings or french fries are "28% more fastidious, more sanitary and 27% more likely to be salaried, white-collar workers, than those who opt to slather their side orders with the condiment." Other conditions include whether the consumer was gay (12%).

Of the more than 40,000 customers observed during the thirty-month study, respondents to questionnaires listed "ketchup ON fries/onion rings" as a need to hurry as they ate their meals, as the main reason for coating their food, as opposed to those who place "a mound of ketchup, or of ranch dressing salad dressing, to the side", thereof.

Analysis of the data gathered also indicates that more women than men (59% to 18%) place ketchup or other flavorings to the side of their dishes, rather than on them, thereby preferring to dip into the condiment.

"This clearly shows a relaxed and carefree notion during mealtimes at these types of restaurants," stated Dr. Lynda Packard Brese-Parker, head of the 'Study of the Casual American Meal-Program'. "Further investigation appears to indicate that the higher the salary or, of the person's perceived status within society, the greater the likelihood that that customer will place their ketchup to the side of the meal, rather than on top of it."

The study was conducted in five states in New England, and was funded jointly by a $16-million dollar grant by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the American Civil Liberties Union.


Christopher Willis said...

I don't like getting my fingers dirty. Our tax dollars at work: Thank G-D for the American Criminal Lawyers Union!

gregor said...

I usually just stuff some fries in my mouth and squirt the ketchup in and chew away. Saves time and mess...

The Localmalcontent said...

Now would be a good time to announce that I made this story up, based upon the numerous, other silly earmarks our Representatives and Senators give away.
S tudy
C asual
A American
M eals

Christopher Willis said...

Bad Ron! Your birthday next month has been canceled and you must do 200 hours of community service as page for Teddy 'Chappaquiddick' Kennedy.

BobG said...

I'm not a big fan of ketchup; if I use it I prefer to mix it with mustard, black pepper, and hot sauce if it's available. Plain ketchup is too blah for me.

The Localmalcontent said...

No problem-o, Mr. Willis, on the cancelled birthday thingie--
It would've been the big one...
The $)...

No fan of Ketchup, BobG?
What's up wid dat?
So what do you pour onto your spaghetti?!!