Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Get It ??


It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.

I hope these brought at least a smile to your lips, and a bright spot during your day. My favorites are numbers 7 and 8.
Lovingly lifted from Bits and Pieces

5 comments:

Jeffro said...

Ya got a snicker outta me! Thanks for the bit 'o lift!

Most Rev. Gregori said...

Most enlightening. A few of them made me laugh.

Christopher Willis said...

First read this one in a Spider Robinson book and it is my all time favorite:

Orson Wells portrayed a spy, in the motion picture The Third Man. During World War II, the spy was a British agent known by the code name, Harry Lime. Harry was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind enemy lines, disguised, as a German Officer would have been impossible, except that the Americans had invented a new form of lens for the myopic. These contact lenses were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted by the lens crafters. Harry, among other things, had had several dalliances, and it was known that he had an old flame in nearby Washington. The authorities were afraid that Harry would use this opportunity in America to take an unauthorized vacation. They decided that they must make his instructions very explicit. Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to the control office where he was given this direct order!

"YOU ARE TO GO DIRECTLY FROM THE SUB, LIME, TO THE REED OCULIST."

The Local Malcontent said...

With all the mess going on in Washington, and in certain places around the world, I thought a little light humor was due.

MR. WILLIS- got your other message/comment, if you would send your email to me in another comment not intended for publishing, I'm happy to contact you.

ABNPOPPA said...

WELL, allow me to say I am still laughing at all of them. MRG must be having a serious moment as Jeffro must be if they only snickered and a few made them laugh. I am coping a couple and sending them to my sister. She's been a little down lately with some minor illness and facing layoff/or retirement. They should give her a chuckle.

Thanks Mal. Say "Hi" to your loverly bride.

Pops