Tuesday, February 21, 2017
An Old Friend Called Me Up, in the Middle of the Night, Again~
Leticia and I were awakened by our land-line phone ringing incessantly last night at 4:15 am. Way far back in my mind, I felt that it could be 'him'. Or some family member with urgent news-- ~ But it WAS 'him', calling me again, after an 8 year interlude:
I answered the phone impatiently, "Hello? Who is it?"
"Hello again, Local Malincontinent-- How are you today? It is I, your true friend, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calling you presently", was the reply.
"Mal - Content," I adjusted, still thinking about my inter-rupted dream about Megan Kelly.
"Thatssss right, heh heh heh, it is all good here also, Local Malconcept, except that I urgently need to ask you a question:
Since I retired as the President of Iran, I've gone back to normal life-- I'm selling used cars again, going around Iran here, making speeches to maybe run for President once more. Could I count on you, old friend, to contribute to my comeback campaign, this year?
Me: "Have you changed your rhetoric regarding the existence of Israel, Mahmoud?"
Mahmoud: "Yesss, and thank you for asking that very important question to me, Local-- My opinion about the state of Israel has indeed changed, as you will see. I believe that Israel should be a nation.... [garbled].... destroyed by newly improved missiles [garbled]... magnificent leader Obama only last year".
Mahmoud eagerly continued: "I have seen these missiles attack and destroy complete asteroids and comets meant to topple the Ummah so far established here in Iran, Local, and with the new, upgraded Russian uranium which we've purchased, maybe we could even destroy the moon, after Jerusalem and after Rome, hahaha!"
Me: "Why destroy Rome? And why the hell destroy the moon, Mahmoud??"
Because, as I've learned since I left the Presidency of Iran, and become a fine, once-used Auto salesman, I've leaned that the Vatican is leaning toward denouncing your vulgar Christianity, what with it's 'forgiveness of sins' and no word at all of one hundred virgins awaiting you in Paradise -- I care for you, Local Malquotient -- and as for the Moon, it is only an outpost for Zionist spying of our Muslim world, -- Did you know that the face of the Moon is the face of the Moon which we see? And no other? Why is that?? Only a Zionist could manufacture that kind of evil device, and that's exactly what Iran should be against, should destroy, immediately after Jerusalem and after Rome. Maybe also Riyadh too, I don't know yet~"
Me: Mahmoud, why do you talk so much about destruction, every time you call me up?"
Mahmoud: "Friend Malfromtemp, I see that you understand Islam, and what Islam stands for as a religion: Destruction. Islam is all about destruction of the past, knowledge about our world's true past, and FOR introducing a better way, an Islamic way of perfect living, within the rigid guidelines of the latest, most recent interpretations of the holy Quoran and Hadiths, which as you know
the holy Quoran and it's godly commandments can change upon a daily, or upon an hourly basis,
just like your US constitution does.
Our devout Muslim population will listen to, and follow any new updates to the Quoran's teachings, as need be, whether upon Infidel slavery, upon other quote-unquote Muslim beliefs, whether upon my being a used-car salesman -- our Quoran changes with the needs and the wants of the desires of our Muslim Clergy, who indeed, are Allah's eyes and ears, in this changing world,".
Me: "OK, Mahmoud, you've made your point, but I still think you're insane for this--- I will donate 12,000 dinars to your campaign to become Iran's next president later this year. OK?"
Mahmoud: "Could you maybe donate more? Because you are living in a successful, Conservative, Capitalistic society, HOW ABOUT 125,000?"
Me: "No, sorry, just one US Dollar, friend. That's all I can afford you"
Mahmoud: "Ohh, I'm so sorry to hear that you are starving, and penury, Malfragrance-- We had no idea of how bad the Ronald Trump administration had become~"
Me: "Yeah, it's bad here, Mahmoud. We've got a baby now, a bigger home, making mortgage payments again... Making America Great Again sure costs alot--"
Mahmoud: "I've got 22 children by my 7 wives, and in Iran, there is no post-Presidential allowance OKay Then, Local Moelastic, and No Infidel Social Security, OK,,, and so I appreciate your donation, please do not find yourself in the way of our missiles, then?~!" CLICK.